Balanced Cleaving Gives Space, Trust, and Belief by Dr. Randy Carney

Leaving, cleaving, and becoming one flesh are important steps to intimacy in any marriage.

Though the word, "cleaving," means in part to "stick like glue," it does not mean that you will smother your spouse. In fact, cleaving will be balanced with giving freedom. When cleaving is properly balanced, the whole process wiii lead to space, trust, and belief.

Proper cleaving provides space for the partner to do interesting things in life. This space is given because of the great trust between the two individuals. Understanding that our wife or husband may have come into the marriage with some interests different from ours will lead toward allowing that person to continue to pursure his or her interests. Likewise, that person might be glad for the spouse to take enough interest to join in those activities, but he or she would also be wise not io insist on making the other try to engage in something that he or she really does not want to pursue.

If the husband plays a particular sport, the wife might allow him to continue to do so because she knows how much it means to him. He also may encourage his wife to continue to pursue some hobby, craft, or activity that he has no interest in learning himself.

When the partners pursue their separate interests, they also are able to gather "conversation pieces." If they spend all their time together, they will not have as much to talk about. However, when they spend some time in other areas, they will have "news" to give each other. This can only work to its best advantage when they trust each other enough to allow each to engage in some separate interests. They give space, but when they are together, they cleave to each other.
It is important to cleave without smothering. Frustration only comes to the partner who feels he or she is being smothered. Extreme possessiveness can hamper any relationship. When a person feels that he is being held too closely, he begins to experience a feeling of bondage. Perhaps the problem is often even greater for a wife sho is being held too closely. When she feels like she cannot make any decisions on her own, she does experience a great deal of frustration.

One of the things that is great about the United States of America is that we make the claim of being free. It seems that freedom, or the desire for it, resides in the human heart the world over. When a marriage does not have some degree of freedom that unmet desire will well up and lead to frustration, disappointment, and a feeling of bondage.

Proper cleaving grows trust. When a partner gives the other freedom without suspicion of that one being unfaithful, that allows the one given the freedom to have that basic need met. Although, predictability may possibly sometimes lead to some boredom, there is a great deal of satisfaction in knowing that you can predict that your partner will be faithful.

Knowing that you can trust your husband or wife, allows you to give that wonderful freedom he or she needs. The sentence, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder," has some merit. Of course, that could not be taken to the extreme either. A proper balance between cleaving and freedom gives space and trust.

The benefit of balanced cleaving also causes mates to believe in each other. Having someone to believe in you always brings encouragement. You may face some quite difficult tasks when you pursue some of your dreams. When those hard times come, you may be tempted to give up; but when you have someone who believes in you, you have the confidence to carry on.

When you cleave to your partner and give freedom, you help your mate to feel trusted. He or she, in turn, will likely feel that he or she can trust you. When that happens, you have the opportunity to support each other. You will support each other when pursuing the interests you share, and you will support each other in your separate interests.

Balanced cleaving gives space, develops trust, and causes each of you to believe in each other.

(Copyright 2008 by Randy Carney. This article is an adaptation of a short excerpt from a chapter in Dr. Carney's forthcoming book: The LOVING Way to a Successful Marriage: Six Keys to Marital Bliss.

About the Author:
Dr. Randy Carney has worked with married couples for more than 30 years. The difficulty of achieving intimacy seems to be a major hurdle that, if overcome, brings success in any marriage. Did you find these major steps to intimacy useful? For more articles like these, go to http://randysarticles.blogspot.com/. You also can learn a lot more about how further secrets to marital bliss can help you here: Secrets of Marital Bliss.