Understand How Your Spouse's Shape Affects Both of You by Dr. Randy Carney

Understand How Your Spouse's Shape Affects Both of You by Dr. Randy Carney

(Originally published in GoArticles.com)

Criticism is one of the most frustrating things a person has to face. Too much of it can tear a person down. On the other hand, criticism can be a very valuable thing. When a person listens to his critics, he is in a position to see where he has been misunderstood if the criticism is not valid. He may also see that someone is just taking shots at him unnecessarily. He may, however, recognize that there are some good points in the criticism and take steps to improve himself.

In a marriage, however, criticism is often devastating to the spouse unless it is handled very carefully. It is more likely that your spouse will need a feeling of acceptance than a feeling of criticism.


When you begin to focus on your spouse's strengths, you can encourage him to work toward greater accomplishments. Your spouse does have strengths, and sometimes those strengths are what drew you to him or her when you first met.


Understanding your partner is the greatest need that anyone has in a marriage. Sometimes it is very easy to misunderstand where someone is coming from. Christians who are married will perhaps understand talk of spiritual gifts. Others, while not familiar with the term spiritual gift, will understand that we all have inner motivations.


For those of you involved in Christian marriages, if you understand how different spiritual gifts motivate people, you will come a long way in improving relationships with your spouse.
When you gain such understanding, your patience will improve. Sometimes all that is needed to improve a relationship is an improved understanding of how spiritual gifts affect people. For instance, a person who has the gift of mercy will react to a situation differently from someone who has the gift of prophecy.


If you were in a crowded gathering at a restaurant or at a fellowship at church, and someone dropped or knocked over a glass of water, those with differing spiritual gifts would react in different ways. The prophet might say, "That's what happens when you are not careful." The teacher might say, "The reason it fell is that it was positioned in a dangerous way." The giver might say, "Here, let me buy you a new dessert." The server might say, "Oh, let me help clean that up." The ruler or administrator might say, "Susie, go get a paper towel. John, would you get the mop. I will refill the glass." Each one views the situation in a different way, but largely from the standpoint of his or her motivational gift.


Most people who have done extensive study on spiritual gifts say that there are at least two types of gifts: ministry gifts and motivational gifts. In regard to motivational gifts, they often say a person will have only one predominant motivational gift. The motivational gifts are referred to in I Corinthians 1:2-4. This word, translated gift, comes from the Greek word for Charisma Seven categories of motivational gifts are listed in Romans 12:6-8. The characteristics of these motivational gifts may not be evidenced full in how well a person does something, but they do express themselves in what motivates a person.


The other type of gift is a ministry gift. These same Bible teachers often say there are many ministry gifts, while an individual has only one motivational gift that stands out. Ministry gifts are special characteristics that allow a person to accomplish a needed task. The S in SHAPE stands for spiritual gift. (We are using the acronym that Rick Warren uses in his book, The Purpose-Driven Life, however he does not claim to be original in coining the term.) Trying to understand your spouse's motivational gift will help you deal with your Christian marriage.


Helping your mate is one of your greatest goals. One of the best ways to do that is to discover the heart or passion that drives your mate's life. When you are discovering your mate's shape, you find what his or her spiritual gift is. You also look for the heart passion he or she has.


Once you find that heart, you have the opportunity to encourage your mate to grow. Sometimes he or she may be given an opportunity for something outside of his or her comfort zone. If it is not something he or she has a passion for, you might encourage your mate to pass it by, but if it is something that person has a real heart for, you might encourage her to go ahead because she will only get better by trying. In each case their heart for the project should help them overcome their discomfort.


Just as the S in SHAPE stood for spiritual gifts, the H in SHAPE stands for heart motivations. When you understand these two areas, you will also know in what areas you will be able to give added support to your husband or wife. When they are working in their "heart-area," they will often be fulfilled, but their motivation may lead them into uncharted waters at times. Then, you will need to give encouragement.


We need understanding in the areas of spiritual gifts and heart motivations; but, beyond that we need to encourage our other half to use their God-given abilities. These abilities may have been acquired through skill and much practice.


Purpose is the most motivating force in the world. When people have purpose, they can endure all kinds of hardships. The A in SHAPE stands for abilities. When you encourage your spouse to use his abilities in God-given ways, he will feel a sense of purpose. Those abilities may have been natural or acquired abilities, but the important thing to do with any ability is to use it for God.


We are always encouraged when we can be involved in things that we do well. If you look at your wife's abilities, and encourage her to use them, that will help her self-esteem. Likewise, wives, if you encourage your husband in those things he does well and show respect for his skill, he will have a feeling of fulfillment.


Sometimes men experience what is called a mid-life crisis. Ladies are not exempt from that either, but men often feel that time is running out, or they are concerned about whether they have made a difference up to this point in life. Encouraging them to use their gifts and natural abilities to fulfill a God-given purpose will help them to overcome some lingering doubts that may develop into what is called a mid-life crisis.


The P in SHAPE stands for personality type. When you understand the characteristics of your spouses personality, you are able to give space when needed. If you have differing personalities, sometimes you will know not to take things personally when your spouse acts from his or her personality type.


Knowing that some types of personality are better suited for certain tasks, you will be able to divide up the responsibilities that exist in the marriage. For instance, if one spouse is very good with details, and the other is not, perhaps that spouse should be the one to take care of balancing the checkbook for the family.


Knowing and encouraging each other's strengths will help you to have a spirit of cooperation rather than antagonism as you work through the various tasks that are required in marriage.
Knowing each others bent will also allow you to participate in "give and take," and that knowledge will also allow you to "give each other some space."


Finally, the E in SHAPE stands for experiences. We all have a history. We have had good experiences, and what we have learned from those good experience can be used to help others along the way when they face similar experiences in their own lives. That is easy to understand. However, our painful experiences can also be used to help others. When someone is experiencing a particularly painful situation, someone who has been through a similar experience will be able to help them in a way that others cannot.


We do need to try to understand how a person's past experiences have shaped their personalities. Doing so will allow us to be patient in some areas that onlookers would not understand. On the other hand, just because a person has had a painful experience in the past, does not mean that they are not responsible for the decisions they make today. While we are sympathetic with our partner's past, we must also encourage them to live in the present and not allow their "victim mentality" to be an excuse for not behaving responsibility.


When we understand how our spouse's SHAPEs (Spiritual gifts, Heart, Abilities, Personality, and Experiences) affect both of us, we will go a long way toward improved communication and encouragement in our marriages.


(Copyright 2008 by Randy Carney--Condensed from a chapter in Dr. Carney's upcoming book: The LOVING Way to a Successful Marriage: Six Keys to Marital Bliss.)


About the Author
Dr. Randy Carney has worked with married couples for more than 30 years. Understanding each other seems to be a major hurdle that, if overcome, brings success in any marriage. Did you find those major steps to understanding useful? For more articles like these, go to http://randysarticles.blogspot.com/. You also can learn a lot more about how further secrets to marital bliss can help you here: Secrets of Marital Bliss.