Cleaving and Its Call to Commitment by Dr. Randy Carney

Leaving is a very important process in any marriage because it paves the way for cleaving. Cleaving means to "stick like glue." That does not mean the partners smother each other, but it does mean that they devote themselves to one another.

Cleaving does call for us to devote time to each other. That is one of our major commitments. We often speak of quality time and quantity time. Quality time is very important, but quantity time is also important. When the members of a couple love each other, they enjoy spending time with each other. Now, if the relationship has deteriorated, it may not be enjoyable like it once was, but if a couple wants to make improvements in their marriage after they have drifted apart, they will have to spend productive time with each other.

Cleaving not only has a call to commitment of time, it also has a call to commitment of sharing. Sharing involves sharing our possessions. It also involves the sharing of thoughts. How we respond when our mate shares his or her thoughts with us is quite important. Aside from sharing our thoughts, we need to share experiences. One person facetiously said that strong families had one thing in common. He said they all went camping together. Then he shared some of the humorous things that happened to them during that time. Usually, a camping experience will have something in it that does not go according to plan, but somehow, the family survives. He said they were drawn closer together because of it. Now, maybe you don't need to run out and buy some camping equipment, but you will need to share experiences as well as thoughts. Vacation times together can be very helpful in developing the experience of cleaving to each other.

Great benefits come to those who are able to share their dreams with each other. Doing this is a little fearful because our dreams (I'm speaking of dreams for the future, not what we see when our eyes close at night) are very private. Also, we are not sure that we are even able to come close to accomplishing those dreams. We are allowing ourselves to be vulnerable when we share our dreams. We are afraid, perhaps, that others may think our dreams are even silly. However, when we allow our partner to share his or her dreams with us, we do a great service when we take those dreams seriously and share some encouragement with them.

When dreams are shared, we have the opportunity to show support to our husband or wife. We also can grow closer because we simply believe in each other. Those dreams that seem insurmountable can be helped by a partner who will see at least a small part of that dream that can be accomplished. Then we could suggest that they consider maybe trying to accomplish that smaller task as a part of the larger dream.

A couples' relationship grows by spending time together, sharing our thoughts, and sharing our dreams. Our relationship grows even further when we take an even more vulnerable position by sharing our fears with each other. This is very difficult to do because we would often rather avoid our fears. However, when are able to share on this level, we move to deeper levels of cleaving to each other. When our spouse shares his or fears, we are in a position to give comfort. Just being able to share on such a level also removes a feeling of aloneness. We also are able to give support.

When we know our partner's fears, which we do not broadcast to others, we can understand how he or she may react to certain statements that others may make. We can even take steps, without others knowing what we are doing, to give encouragement and support during those times.

Cleaving has a call to commitment: especially in the areas of time and sharing. All positive efforts in those areas will yield benefits to partners in a marriage who wish to grow to even deeper levels of commitment. When we go in this direction, we begin to cleave to each other.

(Copyright 2008 by Randy Carney, excerpted from a chapter in Dr. Carney's upcoming book, The LOVING Way to a Successful Marriage: Six Keys to Marital Bliss.)

About the Author
Dr. Randy Carney has worked with married couples for more than 30 years. The difficulty of achieving intimacy seems to be a major hurdle that, if overcome, brings success in any marriage. Did you find these major steps to intimacy useful? For more articles like these, go to goarticles.com. You also can learn a lot more about how further secrets to marital bliss can help you here: Secrets of Marital Bliss.