Leaving and Cleaving: Steps to Intimacy in Marriage by Dr. Randy Carney

(Originally published in GoArticles.com)

Leaving and cleaving are major steps to intimacy in any marriage. Most marital problems can be traced to either a failure to leave or to cleave. These words have their origin in the Bible. They are first mentioned in the Old Testament, and then repeated in the New Testament. Jesus, Himself, affirmed their importance. After leaving takes place, and cleaving begins, then intimacy, or "becoming one flesh" develops.

What does it mean to cleave to your husband or wife? Someone pointed out that a meat cleaver is used to slice things in two. That certainly is not the intended meaning as it relates to marriage. Instead, cleave means to "hold tightly." You might say that it means to "stick like glue!" Now, it does not mean smothering your spouse, but it does mean that a husband and wife will be totally devoted to each other. That is why the marriage vows often talk about being faithful until death.

How does cleaving come about? It does not happen simply by accident. Rather, it involves a conscious action of the will. Marriage intimacy does not develop just because of natural attraction, although the move toward intimacy may start because of such attraction; however, there will be times when one of the partners in the marriage will not be at his or her best. Indeed, there may also be times when neither of them are at their best. At those times, the natural attraction that they previously experienced will seem rather vague. Most marriages will also face hard times. It will take more than a "warm fuzzy feeling" to sustain the partners during those times of difficulty.

True love is often spelled c-o-m-m-i-t-m-e-n-t. That is what will carry a person through hard times. Cleaving is indeed a conscious action of the will.

Cleaving will be related to the step of leaving. When a person leaves his father and mother (and sometimes his former acquaintances or even some hobbies or former things that claimed time), he is able to give full attention to his wife. The same can be said for the wife who needs to devote time to her husband.

When a true leaving takes place, the couple will not be pulled in two or three different directions. They will attack their problems together. The husband will need to cut the apron strings and leave his mother. Likewise, the wife will have to transfer her reliance upon her "Daddy advisor" from her father to her husband.

This does not mean that the couple will never seek advice from either of their parents, but they will be doing so with the understanding that they are responsible for their own decisions within that marriage. Their former roles were to obey their parents. Their new roles are to consider what their parents have to say.

In order for true intimacy to develop in a marriage, there must be a "leaving" and a "cleaving." That then paves the way for becoming "one flesh" which indeed is true marital intimacy.

(Copyright 2008 by Randy Carney--Condensed from a chapter in Dr. Carney's upcoming book: The LOVING Way to a Successful Marriage: Six Keys to Marital Bliss.)

Dr. Randy Carney has worked with married couples for more than 30 years. The difficulty of achieving intimacy seems to be a major hurdle that, if overcome, brings success in any marriage. Did you find these major steps to intimacy useful? For more articles like these, go to http://randysarticles.blogspot.com/. You also can learn a lot more about how further secrets to marital bliss can help you here: Secrets of Marital Bliss.