Achieving Spiritual Intimacy by Dr. Randy Carney

Achieving spiritual intimacy is part of the process that comes about when a couple decides to build their marriage upon three priniciples given to us by Jesus: "Leaving," "Cleaving." and "Becoming One Flesh." Leaving is important in any marriage. A couple should leave past relationships and focus on their new life together. Cleaving is also important. A couple should stick like glue to each other without smothering each other. A third aspect of a deepening marriage relationship is "becoming one flesh" as Jesus described the process. This becoming one flesh does describe physical intimacy in marriage, but the "becoming one" part of the statement suggests something further. When each member of the marriage relationship comes closer to God in his or her spiritual relationship, they also come closer to each other. The simple fact is that marital intimacy involves spiritual intimacy. Achieving spiritual intimacy is a wonderful benefit that comes to a couple involved in marriage as God intended.

Spiritual intimacy relates to the deep longing for God that each individual experiences. That person may not know what he is searching for, but he will often experiment with many things trying to fill "something" within his life. We all have a "God-shaped vacuum" within us. We try to fill that void with many things, but only God can satisfy that longing.

The Bible looks beyond the "self-assured" appearance of many people, and it challenges us with the statement that "All have sinned and come short of the glory of God." Because of this situation, we have become separated from God because of the very nature of His holiness. This awareness affects our emotional intimacy as disappointment within ourselves begins to bring discouragement in our lives.

That is the wonderful thing about the Gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ. The word, Gospel, simply means "good news"! The good news is that even though we have all sinned, God loved the world so much that He provided a way for us to regain fellowship with Him. When we respond to what He has provided for us, we begin to move toward that spiritual intimacy we so desperately desire.

We often wonder if God desires a relationship with human beings. We desire intimacy with God. does He desire intimacy with us? I mean, "Why would he want a relationship with creatures that so often are selfish and are so often rebellious against His authority?" We get some insight into this when we realize that we were created in the image of God. Then we (the human race) fell into sin. (Yes, our ancestors sinned, but if we are honest with ourselves, we recognize the fact that we also have sinned.)

How did we get into such a situation? Part of the answer is that when God created us in His image, He also created us in such a way that we could freely choose to love Him or reject Him. When we exercise that freedom to rebel against His right to rule our lives, we experience a separation from Him. Yet, He loved us enough to provide for our redemption. Accepting the Redeeming work of Christ by each partner in a marriage relationship is the first step toward the wonderful benefit of spiritual intimacy that can be found within a Christian marriage.

What hinders spiritual intimacy? Part of it has to do with our goals, values, and commitment. If our goals are selfish or outside of what God allows, of course our spiritual intimacy will be affected. If either the husband or wife becomes a workaholic, then the time that could be spent on achieving spiritual intimacy is moved to the side also.

Likewise, values that do not line up with the Word of God, will certainly get in the way of spiritual intimacy. When the couple gets its values from a society that does take the time to learn what God has to say about life, the cuople's own values will become corrupt. The way to move beyond this problem is to begin to study what the Bible has to say about life and let those biblical values sink in.

Our lack of commitment to the things of God will also hinder our spiritual intimacy. Trying to build a satisfying marriage without taking our spiritual needs into account will have little fruit; and that process certainly will not promote spiritual intimacy.

The Bible speaks of a husband "knowing" his wife. This has often been interpreted to mean that a married couple will be involved in sexual intercourse. This phrase does indeed refer to sexual intimacy within marriage, but it goes deeper than that.

When a husband "knows" his wife (and the same principles apply to a wife "knowing" her husband), he knows things about her. Especially before they marry, a man and woman learn all kinds of things abut each other because they are extremely interested in each other. Actually, though, in this phase, they know things about each other that others can observe also. The intimate "knowing" the Bible describes involves knowing things about your mate that no one else knows. You know their preferences, their pet peeves, and things like that. Others may be aware of some of those things, but you know them well. Beyond that, however, you also know some of your mate's secret dreams, desires and fears. When you are able to share on this honest level, and at the same time have a shared to commitment to please God, you begin to experience what the Bible is taking about when it speaks of "knowing" each other.

To share dreams and fears requires rigorous-honesty intimacy. To be able to share this deeply only comes after a period of time when trust has grown in the marriage.

Spiritual intimacy is a somewhat intangible quality; however, we can know that we desire something when we do not have it, and we can know that we like it when we do experience some measure of it. We recognize God's call for intimacy within our lives. Spiritual intimacy is something that lasts longer than a mere physical attraction. Even the wonderful enjoyment we experience when we, as one of my daughters put it, "celebrate our marriage" (referring to the physical act of marriage), will fade in intensity. However, spiritual intimacy will grow to a more steady experience in our lives as our faith in God grows.

Love lasts longer than the happiness that is produced by experiences. Likewise, spiritual intimacy will continue as we experience the ups and downs of life.

Achieving measures of spiritual intimacy, and continuing to achieve greater measures, as the marriage endures, is one of the greatest benefits of any Christian marriage.

(Copyright 2008 by Randy Carney, excerpted from a chapter in Dr. Carney's upcoming book, The LOVING Way to a Successful Marriage: Six Keys to Marital Bliss.)

About the Author
Dr. Randy Carney has worked with married couples for more than 30 years. The difficulty of achieving intimacy seems to be a major hurdle that, if overcome, brings success in any marriage. Did you find these major steps to intimacy useful? For more articles like these, go to goarticles.com. You also can learn a lot more about how further secrets to marital bliss can help you here: Secrets of Marital Bliss.